DRAGON BALL Z
by imagrl
Summary: This is a complete perody of the android saga with extreme changes. Story and characters have changed including ooc.
1. Chapter 1

This is my first fanfiction so please be nice. Some serious ooc and slight change in the actual story and the time frame has been modified so be warned!

Freeza and his father where nothing more than ash when the boy was finished. His short violet hair accent his sharp blue eyes. Something about him reminded Vegeta of someone he knew. He looked familiar somehow…

"Wow did you see that," said Krillin in shock, "he just blew them away like they where nothing! plus he's a super saiyan!"

"I didn't know there where any others out there," said Gohan in awe.

"Of course there's not," shouted Vegeta, "the only saiyans left are you, your idiot father, and myself! There is no way this brat is a super saiyan!"

"Whatever he is I just hope he is on our side," said Piccolo. The others silently agreed. Vegeta was the only one there with any chance of beating Freeza and it still would have been a challenge for him. Vegeta felt his hand grip into a fist. First that stupid outfit, now this! How could today get any worse?

Little did Vegeta know that far off at Capsule Corp. the worst was happening at that very moment. Dr. Briefs was modifying his GR when he had the great idea of installing a cappuccino machine. Now, most would say, 'Dr. Briefs, what a wonderful idea! Have a hard training session and WABAM! Cappuccino at your finger tips just like that!' at least in Briefs mind that's what they would say. "Dad," said Bulma, "do you really think this is such a good idea? I mean, would this even hold up under the immense pressure he puts on this machine?"

"Of course," said Dr. Briefs, "nothing can defeat the power of caffeine! It lifts you up when you are feeling down, it awakens the tired and weary, it gives strength to addicts around the world, Starbucks (I don't own) strives to bring purpose to your day! That is why this is a Starbucks addition!"

"So your plan is to get him hooked on caffien so he can't defend the world without it? Awesome dad," said Bulma sarcastically. For some reason she had been feeling extra moody lately. Maybe it was because she hadn't been laid in the last 2 months. Maybe it was because the last person she slept with was Vegeta of all people. Maybe it was because Vegeta hadn't slept with her all this time, never mind Yamcha, as much as it had to kill him he was officially old news as of that crazy drunken night.

Dr. Briefs laughed at her crazy antics. "My dear, I think you need to take a break from working you have really been dragging me down."

"What are you talking about? You are always in such a _great_ mood. I have to tell you dad it has really been making me sick lately."

"Oh, Bulma, you are exaggerating."

"No, dad, seriously, I am physically ill from your happy mood."

"It's the cappuccino, I'm telling you!

"It's the regular 6 hours of sleep sense I can remember."

"You're just sour because your pregnant," laughed Dr. Briefs. Bulma was stunned he would say such a thing. Pregnant? Her? What was _he_ smoking?

"Sorry, dad, but you have to get laid to get pregnant," she said depressingly.

"But you did," said Briefs, as if they were talking about the weather, "remember, with that Vegeta fellow." Bulma felt her world crashing around her.

"How, how, how could you possibly know about that!"

"Well, funny story actually. Vegeta told Goku, who told Krillin, who told Roshi, who told oolong, who told Puar, who told Yamcha, who told his one night stand, who told that farmer with the shot gun, who told Piccolo, who told Gohan, who told Chichi, who told Goku. But when he told her he knew already she yelled at him."

"When did all this take place," she asked with a quivering voice. Did the whole world know about it!

"Oh….this morning actually." That was it, her life was over, she was going to be labeled a slut for the rest of her life all because Vegeta couldn't keep his mouth shut about a night that 'never' happened. Just then Bulma's mother came crashing through the GR door with the phone in her hands.

"Oooo, I just heard the news! You and Vegeta sitting in a tree!"

"What tree? There was no tree!"

"Are we going to have little saiyan baby's running around?"

"No, mom-"

"I believe our little girl is with a baby right now," said Dr. Briefs with absolute delight.

"Oooo, lets go to the gynecologist right now to find out!"

"I'm on my way to meet Goku," said the young boy, about 14 years of age at least, "want to come and wait with me?" He flew off and the others watched him go.

"Did he just say Goku," asked Krillin.

"How does he know my dad?"

"I don't know but I say we follow him but keep your guard up, we don't know this kid, and he is way too powerful to-" Vegeta flew off before Piccolo could finish his thought. "Hey I wasn't done with my long and drawn out idea Vegeta!" Vegeta did not care, all he cared about where three things; Kakarot, that powerful youth, and decaffeinated mocha lattes with whip cream and sometimes sprinkled with nuts. They followed him to the middle of nowhere and everyone landed.

"Now we just need to wait," said the boy. The minutes ticked by making it seem like a lifetime. Krillin looked around the canyon and noticed that it had recently rained. He noticed little white plants sitting in a shady spot. They were mushrooms! Krillin loved mushrooms!

"Hey guys," he said excited, "look, food!" He plucked them from the ground and stuffed them all in his mouth. He patted his belly after the acceptable snack was eaten and laid back looking at the sky hoping to kill time by making shapes in the clouds.

"Great, the only food we have seen and you ate it all," griped Vegeta, "I will not die of starvation because of you! YOU HERE ME I WILL SURVIVE!"

"Chill out," said Yamcha, "we have only been here for like 10 minutes." He pulled a mirror out of the air and began looking at his reflection. "Well, hellooo, handsome. We meet again. God, I am so jealous of your awesome muscles. Oh, wait, that's me." Yamcha laughed at himself dazzling in his own glory.

"You know, this is why Bulma cheated on you," said Tien.

"Look, it's not my fault her mirror is broken. Just because she can't see my amazingness every time she looks in the mirror is no reason to hate me. I didn't put her ordinary reflection there. I tried really hard to help her out. I once stared at all over her mirrors for a whole day in hopes of burning my smile and manliness in her acceptable mirror glass but it just didn't seem to help her. She just got jealous of me that's all."

"That annoying woman was right," mumbled Vegeta.

"What? What did she say about me? Did she tell you about my dazzling eyes and the stars in my teeth every time I smile?"

"I heard your loser," said the mysterious boy looking up from his video game, "heard you where so blinded by your own self love you did not realize Bulma was slipping away from you to him. Heard your efforts of burning your soul in her mirror where stupid to."

"What do you know," snapped Yamcha, "I never said I tried to put my soul in her mirror?"

"Why not? You're not using it," said the boy, "I'll take it off your hands."

"What?"

"I heard your soul weighs 5 extra pounds. Don't you want to get rid of all that dead wait that is keeping you down? Making you less beautiful then you could be? Don't you want to be…..perfection?"

"You're proposal disturbs me yet it also intrigues me," said Yamcha, "give me time to think on this and I will have an answer for you in a few years."

"That will be just perfect," he said with a smile.

"Guys," whispered Krillin, "don't move. There is a half dragon half duck watching us in the clouds this very moment."

"What was that," asked Piccolo, looking up and seeing nothing but clouds.

"Shhh! Don't look at it, it knows you are looking!"

"Where is dad," asked Gohan desperately. The boy just shook his head and went back to his game. He just needed to pass along the message and go home, that was it, at least until he had to come back. He did not want to get to close to these people, they scared him a little, especially Yamcha, there was something wrong with him mentally and the boy had no intention of finding out what. During that hour Krillin managed to lose his cloths, Piccolo was in a heated battle of rock, paper, scissors against Yamcha for who was going to make Krillin put his cloths back on, Gohan and Tien and Chaotzu where betting on weather or not those mushrooms where sphycodelics or a trap set up by an enemy nearby (they knew the answer it was just fun to plot about), the mysterious youth made it to level 32, and Vegeta was tweeting about it all on his cell phone. Cell phones, why didn't they think of it?

At last Goku arrived. The boy, anxious to see the man he had heard so much about, ran after the others to say hello when Vegeta got a most disturbing text message.

Vegeta at docs off. Im preggers so sry ttyl bulma o n u mite wanna get here fast dad is putting cappichino misheen in ur gr

Vegeta's brow twitched, how dare that old man put his evil caffeine in _his_ ship! DAMN YOU he shouted to the world with his arms in the air. He fell to his knees in defeat. Goku quickly jumped out of his ship and everyone surrounded the defeated saiyan prince with morbid curiousity.

"What's happened," asked Goku, "what is it? Is the earth in danger? Why is Krillin naked? Who is this boy? What happened with freeza?"

"K-k-kakarot," he said weakly, holding up the smart phone, "it's, its…" Goku stumbled back in fear. The spelling was horrid, he couldn't make it out.

"Vegeta, I need you to translate I don't understand!"

"That-that bastard….he….he's putting a cappuccino machine in my gravity ship!" In a fit of rage Vegeta finally reached Super saiyan! They all marveled at the sudden transformation.

"Um, excuse me," said the boy, "but I have some _important _business to discuss."

"Don't worry about him," said Goku cheerily, "he is so dramatic sometimes. Who are you?"

"Goku, may I speak to you alone-"

"NOOO," shouted Yamcha, "You dick, you got _my_ Bulma pregnant!"

"She's not yours," snapped Vegeta, "no one as unworthy as you is worthy of her!"

"Yea sure, lets talk in private," said Goku.

The boy identified himself as Trunks, son of Vegeta and Bulma, Goku thought this was hilarious. "Oh my kami, that's the funniest thing I have ever heard! Vegeta and Bulma sitting in a tree!"

"KAKAROT THERE WAS NO TREE," shouted Vegeta from across the desert.

"Can he hear us," asked Goku.

"I don't know," replied Trunks. He told Goku the story of the androids and of the heart sickness.

"What is this heart desease," asked Goku.

"You had a heart attack from high cholesterol. Goku you can't eat all the crap you eat and expect to walk away. Chicken, rice, cheese, chips, sushi, fried chicken, fried okra, fried cheese, fried chips, fish, fried fish, chocolate milk, soda, cookies, candy, Goku you don't have heathly eating habits at all."

"So you have medicine to help with this horrible desease, is that it," asked Goku, happy to meet a friend from the future.

"Um…no, just go on a diet, man, eat right. Don't eat such bad foods. Eat some damn vegetables once in a while."

"So eat right and exercise!"

"What? You don't exercise? How do you stay in such good shape?"

"I have a bowflex that does most of the work for me," he said, pulling a whole fried turkey out and eating it in one bite.

"GOKU! What did I just say? You are going to die from a heart attack if you keep eating like this you fool!"

"Sorry I will go to Jenny Craig for help. She has helped eat right and live healthy, better lives."

"Right, I will come back in 3 years time for Yamcha's soul."

"What?"

"I said I will be back in 3 years time to help with the androids."

"That's not what you said," said Goku.

"Yes it is."

"…..okay….See you then. Try to stay alive I have a feeling we could really use your help." Trunks nodded his head and flew away.

….

Next time:

Goku learns to eat right and the rest begin training to defeat the androids.


	2. Chapter 2

Goku stood at the phone waiting for the elevator music to end. If they wanted him to join so bad why would he be on hold for so long? He found himself a seat and waited patiently. Chichi looked at him in despair as she fried chicken and okra and fries. She couldn't understand why he didn't want his cooking anymore. This whole 'a boy from the future warned me of a heart attack if I don't start eating right' was the worst excuse she had ever heard.

….

"Bulma! Bulma!" Bulma rushed into her parents room. Her father was huddled up in the corner looking in horror as his cappuccino machine was in his bed broken in half. "It was the mob," he shouted in despair, "they are sending me a warning to stay away from the godfathers daughter I just know it! Call them and tell them I am already married!" Bulma rolled her eyes.

"Dad, it was Vegeta, telling you he does not want a cappuccino machine. It has a Starbucks logo on the side. He took it out and gave it to you and said 'if you put any more of your cappuccino machines in my gravity ship I am going to break it in half' remember?"

"Now why would he say such a thing, everyone likes cappuccino machines, everyone likes Starbucks, why wouldn't he like it?"

"Dad I was right there when you said it. You laughed at him and went back to work."

"BECAUSE HE WAS JOKING NOW CALL THE MOB AND TELL THEM TO STAY AWAY!"

"THE MOB IS NOT AFTER YOU!"

…

Vegeta walked in listening to Bulma and her father yelling at each other about the mob. They talked to the shadiest people. What was Dr. Briefs doing with the mobs daughter? He was married. "Oh, hello Vegeta," said Mrs. Briefs in her cheery voice, "want some lunch?"

"What are those two fools up there yelling about?"

"My husband thinks the mob thinks he is with there daughter. He just can't accept the fact that you don't like caffeine. How would you like some sushi for lunch I'm going to pick it up shortly."

"What the hell is sushi?"

"Raw fish, oh you are just going to LOVE it!" She ran out the door with her purse to go pick up the sushi. Just then Bulma came into the room eating a pop tart in one hand and a drum stick in the other.

"Why does your mother think I want raw fish? That sounds disgusting."

"It is actually pretty good."

"You are going to eat this raw fish?"

"No, Vegeta, I'm pregnant, I can't eat raw fish. Oh that reminds me I have a gynecologist appointment and you are taking me."

"Why would I do that?"

"BECAUSE IT IS YOUR FAULT I AM PREGNANT!"  
"WOMAN I AM NOT TAKING YOU ANYWHERE!"

….

Goku had the phone and speaker phone. He got up and started to dance to the waiting music. Suddenly he heard a click. He brightened up as he turned off the speaker phone and put it to his ear eagerly. "Please hold and we will direct your call to the next operator available." Goku bowed his head in defeat and banged his fist through the wall. Lies, it was all a lie! The next operator was never going to answer the phone. "No," he said to himself, "I am not going to give in. I _will_ sign up for Jenny Craig. I can't let the answering machine win I have to stay alive to defeat the androids!"

Gohan walked up to his father with what was left of the fried chicken in his hand. He took a bite while listening to his father talk to himself. "You know, dad, you can always sign up online at-"

"Not now, son, I'm so close I can't miss this call."

"Okay but-"

"Hey how about you go train with Mr. Piccolo, don't let me slow you down, we have a lot to prepare for and not enough time really." His voice was calm and understanding. Gohan smiled and nodded. His dad was so inspiring sometimes.

…

Vegeta sat in the waiting room shoving sushi in his mouth. "Woman, why have I not been told of this sushi?"

"Because we didn't eat any until today," she said stuffing a burger king cheese burger in her mouth.

"I should have been told when I first got here you insolent peasant!"

"I hope you get shot in the ghetto someday for calling someone a peasant."

"Who are you to defy me, the prince of all saiyans!"

"I'M AN AMERICAN AND I WILL DEFY ANYONE I DAMN WELL CHOOSE TO!"

"AMERICA," shouted one of the pregnant women in the waiting room.

"Yea, you dick, America," yelled her husband.

"Go back to London you limey," yelled another patient. (I don't hate the british)

…

CLICK "Your call will be answered by the next available operator." I Will Survive started playing in a jazzy style with no words to it. But Goku didn't need any words. He put it on speaker phone again and used the phone as a microphone.  
"First I was afraid

I was petrified

Kept thinking I could never live without you by my side

But then I spent so many nights thinking how you did me wrong

And I grew strong, and I learned how to get along"

As he busted into the chorus Gohan and Piccolo started dancing in the background.

"Oh no not i

I will survive

Oh as long as I know how to love I know I'll stay alive

I got all my life to live

And I got all my love to give I will survive

I will survive

Oh no"

…..

"Ah you are the couple Son Chichi referred me to. Let's take a look at your soon to be bundle of joy. Now she tells me your situation is much like her own was?" Bulma just nodded and Vegeta stood in the corner brooding. "You are 3 weeks pregnant however it will appear you are 3 months pregnant. Your baby will grow at an accelerated rate. Which means you will be having that baby in 9 weeks and after that he or she will grow like normal but will learn to walk or crawl or talk quicker than most. Gohan was walking at 3 months old."

"Wait," said Vegeta, "what do you mean he or _she_? There is going to be no she. We will stuff him back in until he is done if need be!"

"Sir, I'm afraid it doesn't work like that," said the doctor.

"I don't care how you think it works"

"Vegeta I think she is pretty qualified to do her job," snapped Bulma, "now shut up. If it is a girl it's your own fault."

"Now, now, gender isn't anyones _fault_ its just your own blessing-"  
"Shut up woman, you will not speak to me in that manner," said Vegeta interrupting the doctor.

"Vegeta nobody asked you to give an opinion."

"Woman if you don't stop speaking to me like that-"

"You'll what? I'll tell you what I'm going to do if you don't stop talking. I'm going to starve you, launch your gravity ship without you in it, and kick you out of the house to sleep outside!"

"You're empty threats mean nothing to me-"

"Why do you hate me," asked Bulma in tears.

"Unbelievable. I'm willing to bet Kakarot never had to deal with this with his harpy woman," he mumbled to himself.

"If Chichi is so wonderful then go live with them!"

"No!"

"Will you stop fighting," cut in the doctor. Bulma stopped crying and suddenly became angry.

"We are NOT FIGHTING! We are having a conversation so butt out!"

"The nerve of some people, interrupting conversation, is that a custom on this planet? To be rude to your patients? Woman we are finding you a new doctor."

"No, Vegeta, she has helped through a saiyan pregnancy and birth we are sticking with her-"

"Okay, lets have a look at the little baby," said the doctor. She put the cream on Bulma and turned on the screen. "Well, Mr. Vegeta, you are in luck, we are looking at a little boy."

"Oh, Vegeta, look at him!" Bulma was on the verge of tears of joy. Vegeta rolled his eyes.

"Of course it's a boy, it's _my_ child." He pulled out his phone and started typing furiously on the keys.

"What are you doing," asked Bulma.

"I'm putting this on my facebook, twitter, and myspace so my peeps will know. I'm taking a picture of this screen and I am going to post it."

"That won't be necessary," said the doctor, "I am sending you home with pictures of the sonogram." Vegeta took the pictures ignoring the doctor and posted them.

"Oh hey, my farm app says I am ready to harvest my carrots."

"What," asked Bulma again.

"I have 6 different apps on my phone, 12 on facebook, and 9 on myspace. Hey, why aren't you my myspace or facebook friend woman!"

"Because you never sent me an invite. I asked you when you first moved in and you denied me, remember?"

"That was before you where having my child and I also need peeps that will send me things on my apps when I need them. Kakarot has been falling on the job and so has that Mr. Popo fool and your idiot ex deleted my from facebook and myspace and stopped following me on twitter. As much as I hate him he was always there when I needed something for my apps."

"Fine just request me again-"

"Excuse me, I have other patience that have appointments," said the doctor.

"Just a second," said Bulma pulling out her phone, "let me do this really quick. I just need to approve him and accept him as my friend on all of my apps."

"Yea, well, your cloths are here on the table and here is your paper work to schedule your next appointment."

…..

Yamcha growled in frustration. He needed that shovel on his app but Vegeta was the only one who actually sent stuff to him when he needed it. No, that guy stole his girlfriend, he wasn't going to go back and ask him to be friends again.

…

Next time:

Will Goku stick to Jenny Craig? Vegeta can't get his training done. Trunks is back! But why?

….

Goku couldn't put down the phone but he just had to pee so bad. He had to go for the last 5 minutes. He could have peed and been back by now. He finally put the phone down on the table and ran for the bathroom.

CLICK "Hello, Jenny Craig, my name is Melissa how can I help you? Hello? Hellooo? Oh well."

Goku quickly ran back to the phone and picked it up. Beep beep beep beeeeep. They hung up on him. He drop the phone on the line and once again bowed his head. He had failed. He missed the call because he had to go to the bathroom so bad. Gohan couldn't watch this anymore.

He brought his laptop to his dad and showed him the website. "Dad, I have already put in your information, all you have to do is put in your credit card number."

"I-I'm sorry Gohan. I have failed. I missed the call."

"But dad I have already signed you up just finished with your card." Goku put his hand on his sons head and smiled at him.

"I admire your persistence son but there is nothing I can do anymore. I just have to find another way to learn how to eat healthy."

"There is a free gym membership for a limited time only."

"Okay, Gohan, I'll do it to entertain you." Goku put in his card number and pushed send. On the screen it said WE WILL BE SENDING YOUR FIRST WEEK OF MEALS ON MONDAY ALONG WITH YOUR FREE MEMBERSHIP TO THE GYM OF YOUR CHOICE. "Alright lets go train," he said. With Goku's head back in the game he was ready to start preparing.

…

Next time:

Can Goku go through with the Jenny Craig plan?


End file.
